I read an article called ‘Why being called pretty sometimes gets ugly’, and it made me think about the way women react to people (especially men) giving them compliments. As I was reading the article, I kept waiting for the author to bring up the unsolicited ‘compliments’ (aka catcalls) that are common in my urban life, but she didn’t. But before I open that can-o-worms, let me recap her points.
The author discusses how women react when people (for the purpose of this post, I’m referring to strangers, particularly men) compliment her on her outward appearance. Many women, myself included, don’t really know how to act and just simply say ‘thank you’ or just laugh (or snort - her words not mine). Often, if the complimentee does not seem as flattered as she should, the complimenter will say things like, ‘can’t you take a compliment?!’ The author’s conclusion is that we feel uncomfortable with being recognized for our outward appearance, something over which we have no control (besides putting on a nice dress and some makeup) and which will inevitably fade as we get older. I think she is making a broad generalization about the root of that uncomfortable feeling, but I do agree that it is sometimes awkward to handle a stranger’s complimenting me. Read her piece and see what you think.
Personally, my discomfort comes not from feeling out of control of this beauty that a stranger sees in me, but from feeling out of control about what this stranger really means when he makes comments about my appearance. I have been complimented on my appearance by strangers and truly been flattered and walked away feeling great about myself for the rest of the day. However, those day-making compliments are not the ones that are shouted about me while I try to go about my regular daily activities.
Just because I happen to be female and usually wearing a dress (OH NO MY LEGS ARE SHOWING!!) does not mean all men must verbalize their opinions of me. ‘Hey pretty girl’, ‘what’s up sexy white girl’ are not acceptable forms of greeting another human being on the street. I’ve heard even worse horror stories from friends and reading other women’s struggles with this kind of street harassment. And before anyone rolls their eyes, yes, this is harassment. I feel harassed and violated when a strange man calls me ‘sexy white girl’ while I’m trying to walk to a meeting FOR MY JOB. And it doesn’t matter what I wear. The catcalls come whether I’m wearing a dress, pants, a winter coat, boots (apparently I ‘really work those boots’ when I wear my high-heel leather boots in the fall).
Because of my experiences, I’ve stopped making eye contact with men when I’m on the street by myself, as a general rule. And that’s not a way to go through life. I was walking by myself to a baseball game a few weeks ago, and (rudely) almost blew off a guy who just wanted to know where I got my shirt supporting this city and this team that I love so much. He had a completely legitimate reason to get my attention, but I’ve just trained myself to ignore a man’s voice saying, ‘Hey! Excuse me miss.’ That sentence usually ends with a comment about what’s under my shirt, not where I bought it.
Some people say that being shouted at on the street is just a part of being an attractive woman, and that we should just accept it as a compliment. This article from Thought Catalog sums up EXACTLY how street harassment feels, so read it! But here is a highlight:
“Hollering at a woman you don’t know in public has absolutely nothing to do with a compliment—rather, it’s an extremely effective way to put a woman in her place. Catcalls demonstrate to her that even if she’s on her way to an important job interview or to kick some ass at the gym, she is still nothing more than the sum of her physical parts. Whether she’s rocking a short skirt or bundled up in a down jacket, her body is still public property. It can be commented upon, denigrated, sexualized and treated as a goddamn dog toy.... [A]s an adult, I have the self-control to keep myself from yelling, “Yo, show me your rippling pectorals!” or “Perhaps you should have purchased a pair of pants that better accommodate your derriere!” at complete strangers. You can certainly try to attribute my zipped lip to female socialization, but I think it really comes down to respect. Decency. Not being unnecessarily aggressive to other humans. You know, stuff like that.”
So. Yes, it makes me uncomfortable when strangers, specifically men, make unsolicited comments about my appearance. No, it’s not because I am worried that my beauty will fade and I’ll have nothing left to offer these strangers who know nothing about me. I feel beautiful because I have people who love me in my life who tell me I’m a beautiful person - inside and out. I know that I am a good person and I have a lot more to offer the world, and I don’t want some stranger to violate that by telling me that I have a great ass on my way to a meeting.